Always On

Lately I’ve felt like I’ve lost the ability to have fun.  Dealing with agents/clients/crew/models, confirming/reconfirming/reconfirming again dates, endlessly blowing dust off of negatives – this is everyday. I like this life, it fits with my obsessive nature, but this isn’t the fun I am talking about.  I’m talking about the non photographic world.  Where did it go? 

I can’t seem to do anything that doesn’t involve photography without feeling guilty.  If I am playing a game I am thinking about that editor I should email those new images to.  If I am eating dinner I should be editing that new story  because it is due in 3 days.  If I am sleeping, well I should be getting up and checking email because you never know who might be emailing us from China at 4:30 AM in the morning.  Reading a book? Well I should be FTP’ing that story.  Go to an afternoon in the park? Well what if my FTP stops uploading, I need to be here.  Shower? Well it better be quick, I’ve got invoices and accounting staffers to deal with. 

I’m very lucky to have my business partner also be my love.  This means I don’t have to attempt to socialize with the outside world when really I am wanting to make contact sheets.  It’s also wonderful because this person can tell me to shut up when it’s all I talk about, or vice versa (you know, when it’s 5 AM in bed and the other half wakes you up to show you sketches of a shoot in the works).  I don’t know when was the last time I met with someone who wasn’t involved in this industry.  I don’t know if this is great or frightening.  Technology was supposed to make work easier. I don’t know about easier, but it makes it more comfortable.   But it also makes it inescapable and obsessive.   The publisher (boss) can always contact you.

It’s always on.